encryptedlockNow, as we all know, the castle gives you things if you wish for them. Like a can of beer [poof!] or a pad of paper [poof!] or a new shirt [poof!] God that's an ugly color. Anyway, when someone's telling you about this place the first time, they might say it gives you anything.
But is that really true?
That's what we're here to test today. I'm Freelancer York and this is my assistant, Delta.
Hello!
So, does the castle really give you everything you wish for? Let's start off with the basics.
First, you gotta be specific. Let's say I want a pair of boots. Castle! I wish for something to wear on my feet. [Silence.] See, not specific enough. Give me boots! [Thunk, thunk.] Now, for those of you in the audience, these are--Christ--these are knee-high stiletto-heeled leather women's boots. Not something I would wear. Real useful, castle. Now give me a pair of UNSC military-regulation combat boots in my size. [Thunk, thunk.] Much better. See how we did that? Let's test it out with some other common items.
Castle, give me...three lightbulbs. [Clink, clink, clink.] Now it gave me an incandescent, a compact fluorescent, and a blacklight. If you're trying to replace a lightbulb, you wanna get the right one. Now, how about a bow? [Poof!] No, not a ribbon for a present. A bow. [Poof!] No, not a goddamn bow tie! Do I look like a bow tie guy? A bow! [Thunk!] There. Something I can use for archery - which brings me to my next demonstration.
So, I bet a lot of you more violent types have noticed a trend. What happens when you ask for weapons? Not a whole damn lot. For example. Castle, give me a nuclear warhead. [Siiiilence.] A pistol. A grenade. A rocket launcher. [Each of these it met with silence.] What'd it give me out of that list? Nothing. You can't ask for shit that's inherently destructive or that you want to use on other people. So if you're in a bad mood and you want to blow someone's head off, tough shit. Find another way.
The kicker here is that there is another way. If I were to ask for some arrows for this nice bow here, you'd think I can't get 'em. Right? Wrong! As long as I fully intend only to use them for target practice....[poof!] Or what if I ask for some shafts - can't hurt anybody with a shaft. [Poof!] Well, I mean, you could, but it wouldn't work very good. So now I got some shafts...how about some arrowheads? Arrowheads aren't harmful on their own, not unless you're stupid enough to poke your eye out. [Poof.] So now here I got arrowheads and shafts - doesn't take a genius to figure out the next step, kids.
So what are some other things it won't give you? Well, this place seems like it's stuck in the early twenty-first century. So if you ask for a Slipspace drive or teleporter key or even a datapad console? Shit outta luck. Keep your tech simple here. Xbox 360? [Poof!] Good enough.
Here's something most of you probably don't know. You can rearrange your entire room by wishing for it. Try it out. Ask for a circular room instead of a square one. Ask for your own lounge and you'll get it. Hell, I got a kitchenette in my room 'cause I don't trust most of you around the microwave. And making your own food just tastes better. Unless you're a really bad cook.
Oh yeah, another thing? Don't ask for pets. There are a lot of pets already who got left behind when people went home. And if you really want a newborn kitten, that's what the pet shops in town are for! Nobody wants to find a starving puppy, okay? And if you want to help out with the pets that got left behind, go to the Fairyland Animal Center. You can find some really kickass pets from weird worlds there, like dinosaurs and those little monster things. Plus you're supporting the local economy. You know how food's more satisfying when you make it yourself? So's picking out the right kitty or whatever.
And don't even think about asking for a car. If you're lucky, you might get one for your birthday. Maybe. But just asking for something big like that? Forget it. Watch. Hey, castle! Give me a Porsche! Yeah, nothing.
[He claps his gloved hands together.] Now, that about sums it up for today's experiment. I hope you've learned more about the castle around you and, maybe, a little more about yourself. Any questions?