PARADISA LOST

[OOC: This is a CastleNet post, meaning you'll only see it on video and on the computer. For an idea of what this post SHOULD look like, watch this. Warning, it's um...not for the faint of heart... /OOC]

[When the video comes on, there's Travis. He's in the kitchen, shades on, jacket discared somewhere else. If kitchen appliances had emotions, they'd be trembling with fear right now]

This castle's got an online network, and what's there to see? Not a GOD! DAMN! THING! Living in a castle full of goddamn pussies. Well no more. We're bout to change the game. You got that, bitches? Welcome to the next level!

MAGIC COOKING HOUR bout to blow your ****ing brains out of your ears! We're taking this bitch to the next level. We've got meats, we've got a deep fryer, and we've got-[And he pauses to whip his hands out from behind the counter, with two huge bottles of POWERTHIRST in his hands.]-fully loaded energy explosives for our batter. Whatchu know about dangerous deep frying!?


DEEP FRIED ENERGY EXPLOSION
(Putting hearts on notice)


[The following is all narration, the scenes being described are what is recorded. All the while, there is epic music playing in the background. Oh yes, there is indeed.]

Making our batter, using up more Powerthirst then you knew existed. May have contained Anna Kournikova before, now it contains pure smart!

We cut up our steaks, season em with the tears of the Baby Jesus. Then, we wrap that in bacon strips. Deep fry it, fried bacon steaks. Takin it to the streets!

Chicken, cut it into strips, wrap them around cheese sticks! Bread em in crushed up Old Dutch Kettle Jalapeño chips. Fry em, custom made cheesy chicken fingers!

Oh, we ain't done yet, playa. We make meat glue out of bacon and pork sausage. Epic pancake bottom drop! Then bacon, then more bacon, follow it up with some a meat, balls! Pro meat glue maneuver around the sides, all the way. Pancake top! Seal that bitch. Hit the fryer, Powerthirst pancake surprise!

Steak! Meat glue. Decorate with bacon. All around a tin can? The holy grail of the kitchen, Super Meat Cup is go.

We ain't done yet! One pound of hamburger, insert some pork, grill, batter up, deep fry! Put it in a bun, top it with bacon, drench with custom made Powerthirst BBQ sauce? This burger is the one true king.

[The narration stops, and there's Travis standing in the dining room. The music has stopped, and he has his jacket back on.]

You see this, CastleNet? We're doing this **** for real. Bacon wrapped steaks, deep fried in custom made Powerthirst batter! Custom made chicken fingers, cheesy to the max! Pancake surprise! King of the Burgers! And last but not least, the almighty cup! [He cracks another Powerthirst open, and pours it into the cup.]

And now, I'm gonna eat it. A meal fit for a king, a ****ing king! [Throws the can away, and then points at the camera] Am I right, haters?

[Oh. And we're back to the epic music, as we get an eating montage of Travis effectively giving Vegans nam flashbacks. There's no table manners here, and the mess that winds up happening is well...magic. When he finishes, it's all gone, and he's leaning back with his feet kicked up on the table, finishing his meat goblet drink.]

Next month? We eat a barn.

[ooc: While the post is video only on CastleNet, Travis has his journal and will respond through it. So come one, come all.]

[And this is Travis, opening up the journal to the sounds of a game, to be identified as Band Champion 4 Hyper Turbo Tournament Edition in Paradisa's game room.]

My name, is Travis "Crownless King" Touchdown. I'm a professional troll, master assassin, clinically awesome, and as of right now? A mother fucking epic rock star! And you are all cordially invited to having your eyes exploded with the sound of my epic epicness. And yes, getting intensely aroused by my posturing is a totally acceptable reaction.

Now then...TO ROCK!

[Oh, it's Master Exploder. And yes, he is fucking TERRIBLE at it. And YES, he is singing horribly off key. And yes, any veterans from the great Bar-tastrophe are sure to be having Nam flashbacks right about now.

But somehow he makes it to the end, and from the sounds being recorded, he finishes it off like some big named rockstar would at a major concert. By swinging the guitar controller around like a battle axe and smashing it on the ground. Whoops.]

Fuck the hell yes, that's how we get it done! Where are all my groupies at?

[ooc: Action or journal, it's all good]

Okay, so...

I could sit here and talk about how I lost my journal. I could explain how I got stone cold wasted and wound up stapling it to the ceiling with my sword. I could fucking talk about the monkey bullshit I went through getting it back down. But I'm not. Consider this a noodle incident or some shit.

Instead, I wanna talk about my bar! Which is my bar again. Unfortunately, my gal Del ain't here no more, a damn shame really. She had class. And legs.

Anyways, since she's gone, it's all mine again. And now that I'm back in control, I'm doing a big fucking hiring push for The DeathMatch.

So if you wanna get in on the best place in town...err...castle, lemme know. I need me tenders and bouncers, and if you can do both, well you're even better. Act now, cause I ain't looking for too many people...at least I don't think so.

Who's currently working for me right now again?

WHAT THE FUCK?! [Oh, doesn't that sound familiar? There's a HUM! A ZOOM! A SWISH! AND A nothing?]

Okay, there was something real goddamn strange in this neighborhood just now. Someone? Place the damn call. I mean, not that I'm scared or anything. Unless they're morbidly obese, wearing clown masks, and wielding flamethrower/fire axe combos, ghosts just don't get to me anymore.

Oh hey, there's a letter here.

Oh hey, it's for me!

Wow, wake up in a lavish bedroom looking out at fantastic countryside, to a ghost fucking with my stuff...I think it's my stuff...and now I have a letter? Seriously, is Suda51 that bankrupt for video game premises now?

Ahem.

( (OOC cut for length, not here ICly) )