PARADISA LOST

Okay, it's been bothering me for days. Why would anyone make non-alcoholic beer? That's like making low-fat chips or something. [he shudders at the thought]

At least no one is dumb enough to make those abominations.

You know, after my fifth oreo cakester turned into some nasty tasting green like goo, I'm done with this place. I'm serious, completely done with this castle. It's official, I've decided I'm moving out into the city with this girl I met, Cynthia. ... At least, I'm pretty sure her name is Cynthia... or was it Tammy?

I don't know, something like that. Either way her stage name was definitely Mrs. Clause, and she was this hot red head. [a beat] Or was she a blond? I'm pretty sure there was some green in there too. ... Actually thinking back on it, the stage name makes a lot more sense.

Either way, anyone know if the ghosts will help you move your free stuff into the city? Because there's no way in hell I'm doing that by myself [pause] or at all, really.

[After people have been missing in another world for a few days...]

Hey...

Anyone seen my sister?

[This entry is all dictated in the voice of a defeated man who no longer has a reason to live.]

It's official, this place sucks. Seriously, what kind of vacation doesn't come with anything that's actually worth eating? Man, I'm actually dreaming about food now. And it's not like my normal food dreams either!

Okay, so I was in one of these halls, which is a pretty lame setting for a dream, but whatever. Anyway, at the end of the hall I noticed the more perfect, the most spectacular thing I've ever seen. It was an Oreo, wrapped in a Twinkie, wrapped in a burrito. I could almost cry, it was so perfect. [in fact, he sounds a little choked up right now]

So I start walk towards it, right? I mean really, who the hell wouldn't if the say that? But you know, those are fucking long walks, so I sit down halfway down the hall. And it just stays there... and I just stay there... and it just stays there. And I'm sure as hell not getting any closer to it.

And it just went on for what I swear felt like hours.

[back to sounding dead inside]

It was the worst dream I've ever had in my entire life.

[There's a loud crash as a warthog crashes through the wall of the lobby]

How's my bumper taste--



[And the driver slowly brings the vehicle to a stop in the middle of the lobby.]

... asshole?



... The fuck?

((OOC. Mod approved slightly destructive entrance))

Wow... this place is disturbingly boring when it's not trying to get you eaten by dinosaurs or die of dehydration. I can't stand just sitting around like this. Anyone need help with something? Anything? Honestly, I don't give a shit what, I just need something to do.

((OOC. Loss))

You know, I was kind of wondering why I'd gotten the first good night, and day of sleep in awhile.

Finally.

Man, I swear, whenever I get back home I'm following Vic's lead and getting a vasectomy. Whoever actually wants to have kids needs serious help.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting back to bed. I've got missing nap time to catch up on.