PARADISA LOST

Hi, I'm Private Dexter Grif.

-- And, uh, hi, I'm Chuck Bartowski.

And we're here to talk to you about the dangerous of power outages and what you can do to keep yourself from being horribly injured... or at least what you can do to not die.

So I don't know if any of you have ever had a really bad thunderstorm or anything at home and had the power go off on you, but the first thing you wanna do is load up on batteries and flashlights. Batteries and flashlights, people! ... Or maybe that's the second thing. You also want to stock up on food that won't go bad over the course of a few days, if it's out that long. 'Cause... food is important. But so are flashlights if you generally want to avoid falling down the stairs... uhh, anyway. Grif?

If you don't have a flashlight, I'd suggest just staying away from stairs in general, they hurt like hell to fall down and no one's going to bother falling down themselves just to help you because you were an idiot. The most important thing to remember about blackouts is that you're not the only one who can't see, so now would be the perfect time to steal people's stuff. If you're good with picking locks, break into their rooms, if not just bumped into them and steal their wallets. It's dark, it's not like they can see what you're doing.

-- What? What kind of advice is that? Where I come from, theft is generally frowned upon. And. Y'know. Also in most societies. ... So something you can do while you have no power is get some friends together and play cards, or get a spotlight type thing rigged up and play a board game, or, uh... talk... or just... satisfy your own weird pleasures like that sunglasses guy and laugh at people tripping. -- Anyway, the point is to stay as far away from danger as possible! Stay away from pointy table corners, or shoes, or wayward game controllers. Trust me, it'd be like the other day all over again. And I'm pretty sure the friendly people at the clinic would really appreciate it.

Sure, if you let societal standards dictate your every action. Seriously people, try it, it's a lot of fun. But if you're going to be lame, go ahead and play your board games, or talk, or masturbate with sunglasses on, not that I'm sure why they hell you'd bother with the sunglasses. The point is to just make the best of a bad situation, because you can pretty much get away with murder in the dark... seriously, I mean literal homicide here. So have fun and stay safe, people.

-- Don't listen to the guy in the helmet! Murder is illegal! And also opens a really big, unnecessary can of worms that usually results in more murder. So just... chill, have some fun, stay safe, and try not to die. Good luck, people!