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paradisalost2007-03-12 11:31 pm
percipience.livejournal.com) wrote in paradisalost2007-03-12 11:31 pm
Entry tags:
Sleep issues
I have tried to stop sleeping in the stable because it's starting to make me hurt when I wake up because I sleep in strange positions out there.
The castle's been giving me even more disturbing sleep now, though. Strange nightmares, the whispering is louder..loud enough that I want to know what it's saying but can't understand so it frustrates me. Sleeping here is hellish. I'm tempted to go sleep on the roof with Dilan....that is if I could figure out how it is one gets up there... When Kadaj stayed with me because his room was exploded it didn't really seem to bother me. Maybe I just need company. Maybe I should get a cat or something.
In other news:
The picture isn't really bothering me as much as it used to. I'll take that as a good sign. It's actually kind of nice. If I get pissed off I can fling it and it'll break but it will return to its previous state a moment later. It's like a stress ball but with more destruction.
A bunch of little things from home showed up in my room as well. There are a BUNCH of pictures from home. Some of them were in frames, the ones that I used to keep on my dresser and things like that but there are also a bunch of loose pictures of me and my friends. It's kind of nice. There's a really awesome picture of Chloe and me that Clark took last summer but I lost it. I'd been looking for it for ages back home. It was nice that it showed up here.
My cell phone showed up as well! It's so wonderful to have my cell phone back. Of course it doesn't have signal so I can't use it but it's kind of more of a security blanket thing. It still tells the time so I can use it as a clock.
On my cell phone it shows that I've missed 21 calls from Chloe. 12 from Clark. 15 from Lex. 10 from Nell..... They were trying to find me. I don't think I've ever cried that hard in my life. I don't want to leave my room. That was horrible.
.
Hey remember that coffee machine I was wishing the kitchen had?
IT GOT ONE! Now we can have Fancy!Coffee.
I can show you how to use it if you'd like. It took me forever to figure it out but I think I got the hang of it after a good 300 times of squirting myself with boiling water. haha.
The castle's been giving me even more disturbing sleep now, though. Strange nightmares, the whispering is louder..loud enough that I want to know what it's saying but can't understand so it frustrates me. Sleeping here is hellish. I'm tempted to go sleep on the roof with Dilan....that is if I could figure out how it is one gets up there... When Kadaj stayed with me because his room was exploded it didn't really seem to bother me. Maybe I just need company. Maybe I should get a cat or something.
In other news:
The picture isn't really bothering me as much as it used to. I'll take that as a good sign. It's actually kind of nice. If I get pissed off I can fling it and it'll break but it will return to its previous state a moment later. It's like a stress ball but with more destruction.
A bunch of little things from home showed up in my room as well. There are a BUNCH of pictures from home. Some of them were in frames, the ones that I used to keep on my dresser and things like that but there are also a bunch of loose pictures of me and my friends. It's kind of nice. There's a really awesome picture of Chloe and me that Clark took last summer but I lost it. I'd been looking for it for ages back home. It was nice that it showed up here.
My cell phone showed up as well! It's so wonderful to have my cell phone back. Of course it doesn't have signal so I can't use it but it's kind of more of a security blanket thing. It still tells the time so I can use it as a clock.
On my cell phone it shows that I've missed 21 calls from Chloe. 12 from Clark. 15 from Lex. 10 from Nell..... They were trying to find me. I don't think I've ever cried that hard in my life. I don't want to leave my room. That was horrible.
.
Hey remember that coffee machine I was wishing the kitchen had?
IT GOT ONE! Now we can have Fancy!Coffee.
I can show you how to use it if you'd like. It took me forever to figure it out but I think I got the hang of it after a good 300 times of squirting myself with boiling water. haha.
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OH! Kadaj I have a picture of my mother now. It's a picture of her holding me when I was baby. Would you like to see it?
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When would you like to see them?
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Soon!
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[private to Lana]
Private to Dilan
I just can't sleep.
private to Lana
(you don't want to sleep on the roof, believe me. even I don't sleep there, I return to my room. Honestly? I suspect I would fall off somehow.)
Private to Dilan
Getting my cell phone back was just a little more stressful than I would have expected. My friends were...trying really hard to get ahold of me. It bothered me a lot.
And you'll never have to pry. I don't mind telling you things if you really want to know them.
private to Lana
... you'll get back to them, Lana. We'll all go home. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure of that.
.... I only want you to tell me if you feel like talking about it, Lana. You know I'm simply worried about you, that's all.
Private to Dilan
[1/2] private to Lana
private to Lana
.. may I ask why?
Private to Dilan
I know that seems really weird but...
Well, Dilan, where I come from things are...normal. There is no magic, there are only humans and regular animals. The only 'unusual' people are people who have been infected by some radioactive meteor rock and most of them are violent and unable to fit in with society. Most people don't even know they exist and if you mentioned them you'd be committed.
Anyway...if I came back from here where there are so many people with unusual powers and I've seen so many strange and fantastic things home would be....mundane. It would be kind of a relief but it's like....after witnessing and experiencing something like this it never leaves you.
In any case. So my friends think I'm dead. I'm certain of that. I come back to the living after X ammount of time and what am I supposed to tell them? "I don't remember?" There's only ONE person who would believe me if I told her the truth. If I told anyone else the truth I'd be put away in a mental hospital and forced to believe that it never happened and that I was through some traumatic experience and made all of this up in my mind. I would be forced to believe that you, Zexion, Kadaj, Loz, all of my friends were figments of my imagination.
And if I lied about what happened I'd always know. I'd always remember Paradisa and the things I saw here and..it's CHANGED me Dilan. I'm not even SIMILAR to the person I was at home. Not even a little. With my personality change and the things that I've seen I'd never fit into normal society again.
I don't have a family, Dilan, and my friends are probably going to start getting on with their lives soon. It wouldn't...there wouldn't be a point in me going back. I wouldn't have anything to go back to. Everything is moving on without me.
If I had a family it might be different but I don't.
private to Lana
... I think you .. overestimate the ability of people to get over the loss of those they care about. Whether or not they are related by blood.
But... I can see what you mean. I'm sorry, Lana, but this doesn't change my mind about finding a way to go home. Paradisa has given me the knowledge to avert catastrophe and thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands, of deaths, across dozens of different worlds. To say I am driven in my desire to return home would be to drastically understate the issue. But I do see where you're coming from. It's ... not as if I haven't thought about it. Losing those I have befriended here by returning home. It's .. a disturbing thought.
.... do you .. want me to come down..? I shouldn't've forced you to explain all of this. [Pen taps.] I can bring tea.
Private to Dilan
A forest that burns down tends to grow back several times healthier....
I know what you mean. I miss my friends at home... a lot. My best friend in particular but... Well knowing I'll never see her again...it's like she's died to me in a way, isn't it?
You don't have to, Dilan. It's alright. You didn't force me to tell you anything. I shouldn't bottle so much anyway. It's good to talk about it. I don't like to be too...down that much, though. A lot of people here seems to radiate negativity. I don't like to add to that.
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