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Who: Gai (

gohardwork ), Yamato (

insertwoodjoke) and Kakashi (

grabmybells
What: Gai, Yamato, and Kakashi all experiencing an avalanche and getting stuck in a cave together. IT MAKES SENSE, SHUT UP.
When: LOL TOMORROW
Where: In the mountains of Paradisa's valley.
Rating: NC17 FOR CANNIBALISMS AND BUTTSEX LOL No I have no idea, probably rated R though because I bet one of them will swear and say bad wurdz.

His hands were clasped firmly behind his back, and he counted his steps compulsively as he paced back and forth in the cave. One. Two. Five. Seven. Eleventy.

The air was tense around the well-toned, ridiculously good-looking taijutsu specialist. The air was thick with malice intent, elucidating the sinister fog of the ruminating ponderings that only a mad man with too much time on his hands could concoct (or just a really stupid person).

He had given his location to the two Jounin, and urged that it was imperative that they meet up with him immediately. However, after a few hours of them not showing up, he begged them to come. Then, hours later, when they still had not arrived, he told them he'd have punch and pie.

He was sure they'd come, of course.

What was his plan, you ask?

...Well, he forgot.

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Kakashi didn't care about punch or pie. Porn would have been worthwhile, but punch and pie practically lined the streets. He almost had to avoid punch and pie every time he left his room. Everywhere he went, strangers offered him punch and pie.

Porn was harder to come by.

Nonetheless, since Gai was strangely (although, at the same time, unsurprisingly) decent at writing, Kakashi decided to honor his request after about six hours, and made his way through the uncharted and undescribed landscape to the cave.

As a member of the elite ANBU black ops corps, Yamato had been trained to withstand excruciating and inhumane torture without uttering a single drop of valuable information. As someone who was raised and experimented on by Orochimaru, Yamato had been trained to withstand incredible creepiness without blinking an eye. As a ninja in general, Yamato had been trained to focus only on what was important and not what was the white noise of others screaming at him to come join him in their probably absolutely terrifying cave just behind the Paradisa Theme Park.

But Gai.

Gai was something he could never have been prepared for.

After six or seven or however many excruciating hours, Yamato had snapped. Gai would not shut up. He just... he just kept going. More and more and more and more begging and pestering and pleading and demanding and

YAMATO COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

He decided that going there to face the man in person would at least give him the option of punching Gai until he shut up... So he raced towards the cave at top ninja speeds, arms out and behind him, fists wrapped around incredibly sharp kunai.

He arrived shortly after Kakashi wandered in.

He turned when he sensed someone's presence at the mouth of the cave, and his face brightened to see his rival. He began to walk towards him, opening his mouth for a happy, warm greeting (he was desperately seeking a review for his novel, too. One that didn't involve fapping noises through a journal. I kid, I kid), when he stopped in his tracks to see a certain man with dreadfully empty, dead kitten eyes enter behind Kakashi.

Not in that way.

His look turned sour for a brief moment upon seeing him, remembering the man's hurtful words to him through the journals, before he shook that out of his head and gave him a smile, too.

"Ah, I see you two could not resist my offer of punch and pie!" Gai winked at the ~~not-so~~ young men, hands on his hips. "Well, I unfortunately have some bad news for you. There is none." He put a finger up, as if to stop them from breaking into tears at the absence of the promised gifts.

"However!!-- I am incredibly elated that you both decided to come! Because...we're going to do things. I have things planned for us three."

Okay, so he was stalling. Hmm, how could he think of an idea while also APPEARING to already have one?

"The plan I have...is an incredible one. It's not a simple plan, nor is it overly complicated. My plan is one that is easy to comprehend, for it is not too complex. However, it is a well thought-out plan, for it is something I thought of for a while. This plan, the one I am talking about, the plan I just came up with...is a great plan. It's so great that...well, you'll just see. My plan is what you will see. This plan is...how are you two men doing, by the way?"

Edited 2008-01-15 10:05 (UTC)

Now, in the absence of punch and pie, Kakashi realized that punch and pie was what he really, really wanted right then. You don't know what you might have had even though it was a lie until you can't have it even though you knew it was a lie, as they say.

He thought about questioning Gai's logic--the logic that had told him he should beg the two of them to come to a cave to do something even though he didn't know what it was yet, when they could've done nothing at the castle much more easily--but instead he took the high road and sat down on a convenient rock.

"I'm fine," he said pleasantly. "How are you?"

Yamato stared. That... that horrible drone. Gai's talking. Talking talking talking talking talking talking TALKING TALKING TALKING. That was what had uprooted him from his obnoxiously comfortable room after six.

hours.

of that.

"You don't have a plan at all, do you?" he tweaked, left eye twitching noticeably and some powerful vein throbbing like nobody's business in his forehead. Even though Kakashi had slipped right through the easy way out without so much as batting an eye, Yamato found he just couldn't grasp the patience to put up with this whole situation. "...... I'm going to kill you."

"Very pleasant, Kakashi. Earlier I jumped the hilly brush and took a stroll down--" He gasped at Yamato's words, dramatically recoiling from them.

How did he know!? Gai thought to himself, frantic. What else does he know about me? Shut up, you fool! What if he can read minds!? There's no way he can read minds. ...Is there? I've heard stories of him. His eyes...they stare so deeply into my wounded soul.

"...Yes. I do have a plan. And you shouldn't kill me, because then you will never hear it." He crossed his arms, turning his nose in the air haughtily at Yamato. "But now I don't want to tell it to you, since you're going to have that attitude."

He looked over at Kakashi. "Can you believe him? Such brutish behaviour. I do say, it's as if our dear friend Yamato has been taken straight out of a zoo! Such neanderthalic, barbaric behaviour is not tolerated by us finer shinobi. Do you not agree?" His voice randomly had a hint of a British accent.

Something about angering Yamato just made Gai feel so nice inside. His loins.

"Quite so," agreed Kakashi, going to adjust his monocle.

He quickly realized that he wasn't wearing one, and looked around the cave for anything suspicious. Genjutsu??!?!?!?!??!?!??! But no, if there was anything, it was too sneaky for him to detect, and that was bad.

He felt fine now, of course, but those were famous last words.

He stood back up. "Maybe we should talk outside the cave," he suggested mildly.

"I say," Yamato bit back, prudishly offended, his walrusy mustache ruffling animatedly with his words, "now see here!"

He would have removed his gloves to whip Gai in the face with one and challenge the cur to fisticuffs over his unforgivable and blatant lie about the nature of Yamato's fine character, but he was derailed by Kakashi's fine suggestion. Outside, yes. Much better.

He sniffed ... britishly ... while preparing to stride back and gave Gai an unimpressed once-over. "Dumbass."

Outside of the cave!? He looked desperate for an excuse suddenly, because outside of the cave was NOT a mysterious and cool meeting place and he just didn't want to do it that way!

And and and that does it. He walked briskly over to Yamato and gripped the front of his Jounin vest with one hand, turning them in one quick movement and shoving him against the side of the cave~~'s vagina~~ wall.

"Stop that!" He twitched angrily, his hot temper getting the best of him. He wasn't used to dealing with bullies as an adult; they had finally stopped when he entered the springtime of his adolescence and grew big enough to kick almost everyone's ass. However, Yamato's words brought him back to a dark place in his mind. A place of wedgies and getting his legwarmers hung on telephone wires.

...And he was STILL angry about the virgin comment. "I AM A GROWN MAN AND I DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE SUCH HURTFUL WORDS." He was taught that when someone bullies you, that just means they are jealous of you. Of course, that's pretty much a lie that like, Nickelodeon made up because why would people be jealous of nerds?

"AND I HAVE HAD SEX BEFORE." He balled his fist up, tempted to swing one at Yamato, but felt that talking it out was a better solution. Talking it out in a loud, violent manner.

The cave rumbled against his angry voice ever so slightly.

Kakashi was prepared to let them fight it out, being ~~a gentleman~~ ~~a good friend~~ ~~a bad friend~~ ~~pretty apathetic~~ ~~lazy~~ of the opinion that he was in no way involved, and anyway he kind of understood where Gai was coming from even though he'd never been bullied because he had been born hip and cool.

When the cave rumbled, though, he took a hesitant step towards the mouth of the cave. "Gai," he said, calm but insistent, "We should really do this outside."

Sometimes it was incredibly easy to forget that Gai wasn't just an overgrown nerdy dweeb that could be tossed in a locker and left there, but a taijutsu specialist. After the back of his head smacked into the cave wall, Yamato scowled at his own lack in foresight. It was that grating voice, damnit. Everything about Gai was just so ridiculous that it was hard to act logically in his presence without going completely batshit.

He stared, when Gai made his last statement. He was still protesting that? Maybe he really hadn't ever had sex.

... Not that Yamato ever doubted the accuracy of his own accusation in the first place. Who on Earth would sleep with that man?

"How drunk was she?" he asked, hoping he hasn't lured some poor blind girl in and taken advantage of her, or something. If he'd even done that. Which still was massively unlikely.

How dare Yamato insinuate such a thing!? As if he was some dastardly character that would take advantage of someone under the influence of alcohol!

He ignored Kakashi's suggestions to get out of the cave, intent on shutting Yamato up about that subject for the last time.

His honour had to be restored, especially in front of Kakashi! It was impossible for Gai to ignore someone who was bothering him, and Yamato would just keep further antagonizing him unless he taught him a lesson. It wasn't Gai's fault! He tried to be nice to him when they first met, he tried to start a friendly, healthy rivalry for them to engage in!

He pinned Yamato to the wall with his lower body, pressing his SEXY MUSCULAR BABY GOT BACK thighs against Yamato's, reeling his fist back and aiming a quick punch at Yamato's gut with a GRRRRRowl.

THIS WAS FOR NERDS EVERYWHERE. ALL OF THE KIDS WHO GREW UP WIMPY OR OBESE OR COVERED IN ACNE AND NEVER HAD A SAY IN ANYTHING. WHO GOT THEIR CALCULATORS STOLEN, AND GOT SWIRLEYS EVERY DAY. HE WAS NOT GOING TO STAND FOR THIS ANY LONGER. TIFFANY SMITH WOULD REGRET TURNING HIM DOWN FOR PROM.

Kakashi changed his mind at that moment, because friends don't let their friends punch their other friends. He started towards them and reached out. "Gai, r--"

The rumbling FILLED THE CAVERNOUS EXPANSE WITH AN OMINOUS ECHO WHICH REVERBERATED AND BOUNCED OFF THE CRAGGY AND MADE OF ROCK WALLS, and then rocks fell, but nobody died.

The entrance to the cave was suddenly completely sealed, and they were surrounded by darkness.~~!!!1111~~

Yamato's fingers flew, an irrational fear washing over him as soon as Gai's thighs pushed flush against his own. The punch that Gai threw cracked halfway through the torso of a solid wooden clone in Yamato's likeness, and Yamato appeared in a puff of smoke a few feet behind the man. He had been about to spear him in the base of the neck with one of those previously mentioned obscenely sharp kunai, but he was distracted by...

... that ...

noise.

Oh god.

"Shi-- Look what you did, asshole!"

He turned around at the sound of Yamato's voice, prepared for the kunai that was practically in his face as he did so, but not allowing it to distract him from the rumbling aftershock that still continued to go on around them.

Suddenly, any remaining light in the cave soon died out, and he moved quickly to the side as a pretty damn big rock fell right in between he and Yamato.

What on earth!? How was this his fault!? Why were they blaming him for how weak the cave had been!? Did the passionate fires of his anger cause the earth to shake in such a way?

He grinned nervously in the dark, finding this to be quite a hilarious situation. After all, they were their villages most highly skilled Jounin! With Gai's inhuman physical strength, Yamato's elemental manipulation, and Kakashi's resourcefulness and versatility, there was no way this could be a serious problem for the three.

He quickly performed the handseals for a Katon-Goukakyuu no Jutsu, and (resisting the urge to aim it at where he had estimated Yamato to have been) created a fire close to the mouth of the cave, where the most debris had fallen.

"No need for such profanity!" He nervously laughed, feeling a bit foolish for once. "I mean, who honestly saw that coming? When do you ever hear of caves...caving in? That stuff is usually a bunch of old wive's tales!" He waved his hand, then walked over to the mouth of the cave, turning around to look at both Kakashi and Yamato. "Nothing we cannot handle, anyhow! I'll simply toss all of these rocks out of the way!"

He gave one of the boulders a pat for good measure as he spoke.

"Are you two alright? By the way, I refuse to take full responsibility!" He pointed a finger accusingly at Yamato. "If he hadn't angered the Vengeful Mountain Gods of Paradisa with his atrocious, vindictive behaviour, none of this would have happened."

He had a feeling that Kakashi would not be on his side. :(

Kakashi shot him a flat, accusing glare and was quiet for a moment after Gai spoke, which he meant to be like a silent THIS IS YOUR FAULT (although he wasn't holding out hope that Gai would pick up on it).

"Let's just get out of here," he said, moving away from the boulders. "Move, Gai, this will--"

As soon as he raised his hands, he realized that he'd forgotten the seals.

That was impossible, he didn't forget, but for some reason he just had.

"Nevermind," he said.

Edited 2008-01-16 08:34 (UTC)

OLD WIVE'S TAILS--

Yamato cut off that train of thought before he blew a blood vessel in sheer rage. He was going to seriously kill that man someday soon, self-preservation and the need for as many allies in this place as possible be damned. At least Kakashi was on his side, and hadn't already been driven to inescapable madness by Gai's ... mere existence.

"Shut up, for once," he snapped at Gai, turning to glance at his senpai when he spoke. After he trailed off, Yamato blinked. Then frowned. Wasn't he going to blast a hole for an exit or something? Maybe he was just feeling too lazy, no matter. Yamato turned to preform the seals to make a log large enough to be used as a battering ram, and was shocked to find.....

he couldn't.

"... what the hell?"

His shoulders slumped considerably at both men being angry at him. He didn't understand! He meant well! He always did, but somehow he would always end up looking like a child molestor or an avalanche-maker at this place.

He backed away from them, silent, waiting for them to do their ninja thing.

Watching them, he began to become confused as they seemed to have become frustrated with their inability to properly perform hand seals. He briefly wondered if they had been low on chakra, but then realized that was a pretty stupid conclusion to come to considering they never even got to waste it at Paradisa (unless the two were having hijinx behind his back).

He wanted to ask them if something was wrong, or suggest that he try to break through, but a.) He didn't feel like worsening the situation by speaking and b.) He was pretty sure smashy smashing every rock would just cause more avalanches (not that he couldn't hold up any rocks that tried to squish him, but these WERE his comrades he was worried about, even if only one had been precious).

He knew he was connected to the Castle. When Yamato would try to hurt Gai, the Castle would hurt Yamato! Gai was suddenly quite smug, forgetting that his theory made no sense because he was being caved in too, along with Kakashi who just wanted some porn.

"...I don't think you're doing it right."

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