paradisalost | - thirty-seventh year waiting -

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rory williams

- thirty-seventh year waiting -

[dictated]

[alone on a bed in the medbay on Eleven's TARDIS, Rory Williams wakes up from a week-long sleep. He feels extremely disoriented and doesn't really remember collapsing in the castle lobby--there's so many new memories to process this time around, two thousand years' worth and then some--and he's got a pounding headache. But both of these are minor concerns when, upon regaining consciousness, the first thing he realizes is that he has a heartbeat. A pulse. And he's breathing. Not because he can, but because he has to. Which can only mean one thing:

He's gone home. And he's come back human again.

The realization hits him like a sucker punch to the chest and he makes to bolt upright into a sit, grabbing frantically at his right hand to check for the hinge--except his head throbs like it's been hit with a sledgehammer and a wave of nausea crashes over him. He sinks back onto his bed with a groan, squeezing his eyes shut and grimacing in pain. Okay, maybe the headache's not such a minor concern after all.

Swallowing to wet his dry throat, he croaks out:]

Amy? ... Doctor? Wha ...?

((open like an open thing! Rory's back from a trip home and has been canon-bumped up through Series 6, Episode 7: A Good Man Goes To War. He's no longer an Auton (buh-bye plasticness and handy gun in his hand!) and brings with him a metric fuckton of new emotional baggage courtesy of the Doctor and River Song))

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[And little Melody lost the three people in this world who cared and loved her. She lost her family as well - technically. To have to witness that twice in one lifetime is a heavy burden.

Rory's questions cause her smile to visibly dim. It's her turn to close up. She knows it's not fair, that she holds all the answers and yet has to remain so tight fisted with them]

I stand by what I said that fateful day. The Doctor will find Melody Pond and he will care for her - no matter the cost. You've seen yourself, I told you that day was my birthday. The Doctor wanted my birthday to be a cause of celebration and every year, he's never forgotten. He's held onto his promise.

[No mention of a reunion with her parents though...]

[and he absolutely notices that omission. To him it's as good as confirmation--they're never getting her back. The knowledge punches a hole in his heart and again--he wonders how River's managed to get by all these years. Did they teach her not to feel? It makes him nauseous and sad (and still confused), thinking that his child might have been manipulated and conditioned into being uncaring.

(But River cares about things. Obviously. He's seen proof of it time and again.)

He's quiet again for a moment, visibly struggling to accept and process what River didn't say, and keep his emotions in check. Finally he looks back at her again says with a faint air of desperation]

But you were cared for at least? You knew that you had parents and that we loved you and--and missed you?

[he so obviously wants her to say yes, like his sanity depends on it]

Rory, we meet up again. Don't despair. I just....won't be that same little girl.

[She frowns in thought, searching his face for clues]

I don't like to remember that far back, it's....the Doctor did something to make those memories a bit blurry.

[To numb the pain]

[but it still means they'll miss out on everything parents and children should have together by rights: first steps and first words and first birthdays, sleepless nights and colic and fussiness, bedtime stories and skinned knees and hugs and kisses. Everything Rory had dreamed about experiencing as a father ... the good things AND the bad.

And he doesn't want to her hear say she doesn't want to remember. It's just another confirmation that she had her childhood and her life ripped away from her and--now anger and frustration is talking--why did the sodding DOCTOR have to rescue her? HE'S her father, it should have been HIM, and this tells him (irrationally) that he's going to fail her again somehow. And all he can say is, brokenly]

I'm sorry.

It was never your fault to begin with, Rory. You and Amy couldn't have planned for this, not even the Doctor could have.

Edited 2011-07-13 20:41 (UTC)

But I thought I had you. I thought--I thought we were safe ...

[why is he even bothering to apologize? He knows she's right. Maybe it's because, just like he feels he should have noticed that Amy had been replaced, he should have inherently known that Melody was a ganger too. After all: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me]

But it was never even Melody to begin with.

They were far too prepared for the attack.

[She touches his hand]

Rory, all wounds heal in time. Look at me, I'm whole, healthy and here. I found my way home eventually.

[surprising himself, after a beat he turns his hand over to curl gently around hers and appears to contemplate their joined hands for a moment. He can't decide if it feels strange or not]

I'm sorry ... it's just--hard, you know, sorting it out in my head. [taps his temple] I didn't even have enough time to get used to the idea that I was going to be a dad ... then as soon as I found you, you were gone again.

[he's not going to be okay for a long time]

[She doesn't move her hand from his, but his grasp startles her for a moment. It's not something she's experience from her father in quite a long time]

I'm here now. I mean, I've not exactly a little girl anymore, but...I'm here.

[he's still looking at her hand in his, almost curiously]

Yeah ... yeah, you are.

[and he gives her hand the tiniest of squeezes. How will they ever have anything approached a normal father-daughter relationship? Too much has been lost, and they're too out of order. He hopes, somewhat selfishly, that maybe she can understand how she could be standing right in front of him, and he could still be grieving]

[It's going to take time and no one knows that like River Song does. When he squeezes her hand, she smiles and squeezes back affectionately. In a way, he had a right to mourn his daughter. Melody Pond was long gone. In her place was River Song]

[her smile goes a long way toward easing the pain and confusion in his heart--for today at least. Giving her hand a somewhat awkward pat, he releases her hand and sighs, sitting back]

So ... now what?

[where do they go from here?]

I'm not sure. I suppose we go on with our lives here....

I can't deny, it's going to be awkward for awhile.

[he laughs quietly. No kidding]

Well--I meant you and me, really, how do we ... [he's having trouble articulating it] How do we do this? I don't even know how to be a dad.

[another short laugh, and then suddenly a horrible thought occurs to him--he's assuming she wants a father in the first place. Backpedal time--]

I mean--that is, um ... if you--if you even want to. Look at you. [awkwardly gestures at her] You're an adult now, you don't need a dad ...

Ah, that.

[She hasn't really had a father figure, not for a very long time. As she reflects on what she knows about Rory's future, her heart sinks in her chest. Rory was a good man, the very best]

You're welcome to give it a shot. Just don't go trying to set a curfew or anything.

[he laughs again, but this time it's amused if still weak]

Oh, no, I wouldn't dare ... you don't need one of those either. Like I said. [gestures again] You're grown.

[also again, he doesn't know whether to feel relieved or disappointed (or anything at all). He's still desperately mourning the loss of his baby and struggling to accept that he will likely not see her again until she no longer needs him--assuming she'll ever need him at all. He won't ever have the chance to build an early bond with her. And when children become adults their relationship with their parents oftentimes turns into something more like friends ... so his relationship with River will likely not change at all. They'll go on as they have been, just with the added knowledge that they're father and daughter.

Despite the circumstances, he still can't help but feel heartbroken over that]

I haven't told Amy.

It'll be a trial and error process. Like many things in life

[She manages a small smile, even though Rory looks like someone ripped out his still beating heart]

Tell her as little as you possibly can.....

[he's still vaguely smiling, but here it turns sad again]

I tried. [he looks up at her] She was here when I woke up. And since she already knew about ... about being taken, and pregnant ... she wanted to know if we'd found her. And--why us. Why you. [he's starting to struggle with keeping his emotions in check again] All I know is what you said, there--that it was because of the--the Doctor. [a shadow passes over his face before he blinks slowly] And I--I told her that I held you, and that ...

[he was going to say 'that you were beautiful' but that's still too awkward for him to say in front of her. He sighs]

But I didn't tell her how ... how we found out that--um, that--she'd switched you--and I didn't tell her that you're ... you.

[She rests her hand on his shoulder. Oh Rory, she's got Amy's same weakness when it comes to you. Her heart aches when Rory is upset]

Now maybe you have an inkling of the burdens I carry. And that is just one secret, Rory.

[She feels she should clear a few things up]

They wanted me because....because of my DNA. I'm human, yes, but I carry Time Lord genes as well. Genetically, I'm the missing link between humans and full time lords. Naturally...they thought the only way to take down a Time Lord was with another Time Lord.

[Rory sort of does resemble a kicked puppy when upset ...]

I sort of already figured you did. Because of what you told me in Florida.

[but when she says she has Time Lord DNA he flinches and pulls away from her as confusion, shock, horror, and betrayal all flash across his face in an instant. He's just gone to the most horrible conclusion]

Time Lord DNA? But--that's not--

Rory, what did you think they wanted me for? Conceived mid-flight through the time vortex. My mother grew up with time and universal energy pouring into her head from the crack in her wall and you - how many times did you die and come back? You're practically a walking paradox, Rory.

[She doesn't mean to sound harsh, but these are the cold hard facts]

The Doctor, his people became who they were by contact with the untempered time vortex schism on Gallifrey. You two managed to cook up the closest thing to a Time Lord this universe has seen in a long time.

[he still isn't relaxing, because it's still not quite computing yet, because as far as his Earth-based understanding of genetics goes, for someone to have Time Lord DNA, one of the parents must be a Time Lord and, well, surely it's obvious what he's thinking. His and Amy's genes couldn't just mutate into part-another species, time vortex or not. He's terrified he's been lied to after all and that he's been cuckolded. But surely Amy wouldn't have--the Doctor wouldn't have either--but she DID try to snog him the once--and only spent her entire life pining after him--and what is he, Rory, anyway?--]

But--I still don't understand, that ... it just doesn't work that way ... for you to be part Time Lord one of your parents would have to--to be a Time Lord ...

[he looks like he's about to vomit]

[His reaction disgusts her and forces her to slap him across the face - she has to defend her mother's honor, after all]

Don't be disgusting. I'm the Doctor's wife. You and Amy are my parents. I know it's hard to believe, but I'm living proof of evolution. You know the Doctor and Amy would never do such a thing.

[Rory reels back in shock, his hand flying to his cheek, and splutters for a moment before his face flushes in anger]

What the hell was I supposed to think? You say you've got Time Lord genes and we only know one of those, and he just happens to be the man that Amy's wanted her entire life! And don't say Amy would never--she tried it on with him the night before our wedding!

[She's equally as angry and disappointed in him]

Maybe Amy would, but you know the Doctor wouldn't. He's so terribly old fashioned and has way too many morals to allow such a thing.

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well played, hehe. DAMN YOU MOFFAT

-really hopes this doesn't turn out to be another lie-

man seriously

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oh god sorry I fell asleep

*pets*

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pets