paradisalost | (no subject)

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allen walker

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[Private]

[a sigh]

I refuse to let that be my fate. I don't care how hopeless it seems, I'm going to create my own path and not let that be me.

If only it wasn't easier said than done.

[/Private]

[Allen is in the library, sitting at a table with several books around him. Most of them are on the subject of different types of demons in various worlds, possessions and types of exorcisms. He seems very focused, paging and reading through one as Timcanpy sits on his shoulder, peering down at it. When he reads a certain passage, his face makes a disgusted expression]

All right, that's...rather...disgusting...

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I did the same about the time we all met.

[a thoughtful pause]

Isn't it so weird to read about the different methods and meanings of the things we do?

Mm, it is...most of them are so different from the methods I use. I mean some of them are even down right silly.

When people lack explanations, they often resort to imagination. But the really interesting ones are the methods that are similar to the ones we use.

I guess so...

Mm, yeah. Though I haven't found much that's very similar to Innocence yet.

Really? [not that he knows what Innocence is XD]

[a nod!] Um, it seems rather unique.

Hmmm... I guess in some cases it's best if it was unique. Otherwise it means there's more than one desperate struggle of a scenario going around.

Oh...that is true. I wouldn't want that for other worlds.

I think a lot of people share those feelings even if they aren't from your world.

...Django?

[a little bit of a pained look, but he smiles bitterly]

You know the state of my world... And apparently it doesn't get better.

Oh...

I'm sorry, Django. That must be hard to have heard.

It was unsettling at first, but that was over a year ago... And I... [trails off, not knowing what to say]

[He reaches over and puts a gloved hand on his shoulder and then smiles]

Maybe once you do get back there, you'll find a way to make it better even if it seems hopeless right now. You just have to not give up and keep going.

I mean...I believe that you could.

[smiles softly, but there's a hint of lingering bitterness. His following words are a little hollow and feel as if they are recited]

You're right... The changes one person can make today are small, but they add up and in time the future changes.

[Awww, Django. He can tell ;; ]

They can...even if it doesn't seem like it at all. That's...what I want to believe.

But even if I fight to live, some people won't be born...

...Eh? What do you mean?

For some people to be born, I have to die. The change I made when I was rescued that day...... [he trails off, realizing he told Allen more than he should have D:]

[a pause; because whoa that sucks]

That's...unfair.

No... It's all fair. Everyone dies eventually.

I know everyone dies eventually! But to be sacrificed so someone else can-

Do you want to die?

My actions afterwards nearly caused the entire world to be destroyed had I not gone to fix that as well... And even then, I lost everything--everyone--most precious to me. Would anyone want to live after that?

[a pause]

No, I'm not sure that I would want to live after that.

But I still would.

Losing someone multiple times and then having to kill them in the end with your own hands... Do you know what it feels like?