paradisalost | (no subject)

...

Calm down, Suzaku. I tried to tell you right after it happened and I came back to my senses. Look back at my journal entries that day if you don't believe me. I was desperate to talk to you about everything so that you wouldn't find out from someone else... and because there's something else.

I was on a loss at first when it happened and in no shape to hide anything from anyone.

And you were nowhere to be found at that time anyway due to whatever was done to you. I got more and more worried and went looking for you after I hadn't heard from you for so long. When I found you, you were having those hallucinations. I couldn't tell you anything that might make your condition worse.

I was going to tell you as soon as you fully recovered. Believe me, it's been killing me that I couldn't talk to you about this... You have no idea how much.

[there's deep breathes from this end, he's trying to get himself to calm down but the images were still too fresh]

Do you know who did it? ~~because I'll be the one who kills him~~ [gone]

I said then that I would find the person responsible, and I meant it.

If we're going to talk about this, I need to discuss it with you in person.

When and where?

Come to my room now, if you like. Or I can come to yours.

I'll be right down.

Good. I'll be waiting for you.

[there's a knock at Lelouch's door shortly afterwards. Suzaku's gotten himself to calm down somewhat, but there's still anger. He shouldn't have been so foolish that day...]

[Lelouch opens the door and peers out before pulling it all the way open to invite Suzaku in. He's taking in the other's appearance, trying to gauge whether or not Suzaku is recovered enough to hear this. Lelouch's anger of this is buried more deeply, something cold and hard in the pit of his stomach that just doesn't want to fade.]

Suzaku... come in. You are looking a lot better...

[I don't feel that much better.

He walks in quietly, looking very much like he does in his future as the Knight of Seven. Even with his time in Paradisa, it seems that the Knight of Seven is slowly taking over the White Knight's visage]

So?

[Lelouch feels sick, hollow, at seeing that look on Suzaku's face. More than just about anything right now, he wishes he could erase Rolo's entire existence so that this would never have happened. Not to Gino, and not to Shirley...

He locks the door behind Suzaku and then walks over to sit on the side of the bed]

Suzaku...

I'll tell you what happened. I figured it out almost immediately once I was myself again... but you have to promise me... promise me that you won't go anywhere else for the rest of tonight once I do. You have to stay here so that I know that you're safe. Please...

[his fists clench at his side, but he doesn't lash out. What good would that do?]

I'll stay for the night then.

[what he does the rest of the two weeks though...]

Good.

[Lelouch has to believe that will be time enough to at least make sure that Suzaku doesn't get himself killed.]

It was Rolo...

He murdered Gino right there outside of my room...

[there's silence and a blank expression. Muttered softly in Japanese]

I thought so

[hang on-]

But didn't you say that Rolo was sent by the Emperor to keep an eye on you? Why would he kill a Knight of Round?

I'm not surprised that you would have your suspicions...

[looks down, feeling all of the emotional turmoil he's been suppressing rise up again, but his voice is calm and almost detached]

He killed Gino because he was jealous. He was jealous because of the loss we had together, as ridiculous as it sounds.

[lets his eyes rise to gaze at Suzaku again, his voice thick with emotion now]

Ever since that night, I cannot stop thinking just how easily it could have been you... How easily he might have...

[turns to look at Lelouch ~~and fff not having an appropriate icon~~]

Shouldn't he know that it was a loss? He's going to end up making himself an enemy of the castle at this rate. [why yes! He does stalk the Peace Patrol posts]

I'm not going to die, Lelouch. You should know that better than anyone.

He did know... He even told me that it was a loss himself while it was happening, but of course I couldn't believe that during the loss.

[takes in a deep breath and slowly exhales]

There are no words for me to describe how pointless and stupid such an action was. There are a lot of people out to find him, and he hasn't made himself look much less suspicious with his comments and actions. I told him that I'd do what I can to reduce the suspicion, but beyond that, he is on his own.

[just gazes at Suzaku]

I told you about his Geass. Even you, Suzaku... [softly] This isn't the first time he's killed someone for being close to me. I didn't want to tell you... didn't want you to think about it and it hasn't happened yet in my timeline... but he's going to murder Shirley for the same reason...

He hopes we will forget, and if it were anyone else, I'm sure people will have already. But Gino talks too much so everytime it fades, someone brings it up again.

That's how this castle works.

[this is dead silence at the last part and his expression falters momentarily]

... You are keeping things from me again. And do you actually know what the effects of the Geass you used on me is? I wouldn't be able to stop and fight if any possibility of death was present. Do you know how many times that's prevented me from helping people here? From fighting??

[gazes back at Suzaku sadly] I told you a long time ago that there were things about the future that you were better off not knowing. That hasn't changed. I have kept the additional things that I've learned about the future to myself. They mostly came from Rolo anyway, and at least one of them has been proven to be incorrect recently... They are not even entirely certain.

However, Shirley herself confirmed what Rolo did, and she was bleeding to death when she arrived here. I am telling you what I know for certain...

[sighs heavily, looking pained at Suzaku's words] I would do anything to protect you and Euphie here. I did what needed to be done to protect you. To protect all of you from him... you and Euphie, and Shirley, and Kallen and Gino...

... Fine.

[it's only fair, I'm keeping that nightmare from you after all]

And you think shouldering everything yourself would protect us?! Gino, Kallen and I can look after ourselves, but if you leave us in the dark about these things we're just as vulnerable as anyone else. [how am I suppose to be your knight if you won't even tell me-]

We can accomplish anything if we work together, Lelouch, but the only way to do that is if you tell me what you want to do.

I never expected Gino or Kallen to wind up in danger from Rolo. And during the loss, I was too out of myself to see what would come of it...

I did warn you about Rolo's power, Suzaku. I wanted you to know... I wanted you to be able to protect yourself if it came to that.

[draws closer to Suzaku, reaching for his hand]

I believe that too. That's why I've been trying to talk to you ever since I realized that it was Rolo who did it. Because you're the only person to whom I could tell everything... and because I needed to know what your opinion would be. I didn't want to shoulder it alone...

But I couldn't find you, and then I couldn't tell you any of it when you were already seeing horrible visions. I had to protect you long enough to let you recover.

I did act, but I didn't do anything irrevocable. We can discuss it now... work together now...

[he doesn't move or say anything for a bit. The last time... the last time he didn't tell because-]

Last time neither of you knew.

[shaking his head, Suzaku looks at Lelouch again] Then what's your plan?

[He gazes at Suzaku questioningly for a moment.]

What do you mean by that?

As to my plan... You could not possibly hate Rolo more than I do right now. I wish that I had killed him in our world before he could have hurt anyone. And I wish that killing him here would serve some purpose.

I was so tempted to remove his free will from him entirely on that night. I cannot say that I haven't thought about it since then, either... but Rolo is dead in our world, judging by what he has told me. He apparently died to try and save my life...

So, to take what time he has here and subjugate him completely in order to remove the threat would be quite cruel. It is a last, desperate measure... but I thought perhaps too much before I tried one other thing. What do you think...?

It's the past.

[and he couldn't say it in the end]

... Even if you Geassed him like that, who's to say that the castle would let you? I've heard of temporary mind control here already.

[a soft sigh]

You can tell me anything, Suzaku... Something is weighing upon you. I can see that...

[sighs a little himself] I have seen nothing here to suggest that the castle would not let me, but it could certainly be attempted at the very least. But there is the possibility that it would fail or that a castle loss would take it away at some point, and either of those things would make Rolo dangerous to everyone that I care about.

So... I chose to put something else at stake. I chose to put my life between Rolo and anyone else he might hurt.

I told you, it's the past. Or maybe the future. Knowing this castle and the people living in it, I wouldn't be surprised if they teamed up however coincidentally.

Yet if you Geassed him and the castle removed the effects, then his loyalty [he spits out the word like the idea is disgusting] towards you might be lost. Then that would only make things more dangerous.

[it's obvious from his expression that he disapproves of Lelouch's idea of using himself as a shield]

You could still tell me... Even if it's just the past.

[squeezes Suzaku's hand in his briefly and then gives a small nod]

Exactly. It would always be risky. Without his obsession with me, he would be very hard to control...

So, I told him that if he ever hurt anyone else here again, I'd kill myself. And beyond just that, if he laid a hand on you, Euphie, Shirley, Kallen, or Gino ever again, that he'd be dead to me and never be my brother again when I returned. I tried to make him see how wrong his actions were and urge him in the right direction, but I don't know if it will work or not.

Regardless, it means that I have to continue to pretend to be his brother in the meantime if there is any chance for him to actually change his ways...

[gazes at Suzaku for a long moment] That's what I said to him. Whether or not I would actually follow through with what I said... That's not guaranteed. I know what that would probably do to you...

[long pause, then a heavy sigh] ... Zero killed Euphie. A gunshot wound to her abdomen. I was there for her last words. And since you saved me from execution, I've always wondered if Zero would end up killing you as well.

In that nightmare... he did. You were dead at his feet along with Euphie. I- [I was Zero] I don't want that to happen.

[there's a long pause after he hears what Lelouch has to say and frowns at the added bit in the end]

... We'll see how it turns out then. If he tries anything again though, I'm going to have to disobey your orders and go after him myself.

I see... [shifts a little closer to Suzaku] I might not be able to promise anything back in our world, since I won't be able to remember any of this, but in this world, there is no need for Zero. Zero won't hurt Euphie here... and he won't hurt me either. I don't intend to bring him here at all...

There are ways of handling things without my dying, especially now. [gazes back at Suzaku and gives a small nod] I understand. My only reason for stopping you now has to do with not wanting you to get hurt. I'll be right there with you if he tries anything again.

I know. [he brings Lelouch's hand up to his lips] I know.

[squeezes his prince's hand gently] ... I understand.

[smiles at Suzaku, before his smile fades a little]

There are a few other things that I've been wanting to tell you... One is that Jeremiah from our world has just appeared here. And apparently, as crazy as it sounds, he is apparently loyal to me. He served my mother... and when he learned of my true identity, he switched allegiance from Britannia to me. It must happen in my future, because that never happened in my time... but I don't think that he's lying.

He seemed truly happy to see me...

I saw that he's her- [blink, and looks up] you've...

[eyebrow raise] You've gotten yourself quite a following, Lelouch. Perhaps he and I both only have a problem with Zero and not you.

Perhaps... He seems to be from quite some ways into the future. He doesn't seem to have a problem with you either, so that's a good thing.

There's something else... He possesses some kind of a device that, according to him, allows him to cancel the effect of any Geass. [watching Suzaku's reaction quietly, thinking about how Suzaku just spoke about his own Geass to live] He could be very helpful if things go wrong with Rolo.

And there's one other thing that is more personal in nature that I need to tell you. I know that it was the castle's doing... but I still utterly ashamed that it happened at all... [looking down now]

[he looked like he wanted to say something positive when Lelouch mentioned that Jeremiah had no problem with him, but at the mention of the Geass Cancellor...

It was an opportunity for him to-
He could-
Perhaps now he could-

Zero's laugh rings in his ears again and he kisses the back of Lelouch's hand] I said I would live.

[blink] What's wrong?

[smiles at Suzaku softly] I'm glad... [All the same, he can't help but wonder if it wouldn't be more fair to Suzaku not to leave him with something that forces it upon him... but that isn't a conversation to have right now]

During the loss... [takes in a deep breath and forces himself to look at Suzaku] I didn't even know who I really was... or how I felt about most things in general. I thought that I was in love with Gino and Gino alone... I kissed him during the loss... a few times. It didn't go beyond that... just closeness really...

I never meant to betray you... I didn't even know what I was doing at the time... but somehow I should have known better. I should have felt that it wasn't right...

[silence, then he starts chuckling]

If it's the castle getting in the way, then I understand. It shouldn't be anything you should feel too guilty about. [smile] You did tell me right?

[gives Suzaku a look, slowly giving way to a wry smile in spite of himself--he can't help but feel a weight slipping off of his shoulders]

It's the castle... I just don't like that it could make me forget something so important. So essential...

[his features soften into a gentler smile] Of course I told you. You deserve honesty from me, especially in something like this. And all of my loyalty...

Don't forget, I've been here over a year now. There isn't a lot that I haven't seen the castle do.

[soft laugh, then playfully;] Though if you start using that as an excuse all the time, I'm going to have to question you...

[simply smiles at the last part]

True...

[laughs along with Suzaku] I can see how that would get suspicious... but don't worry. In the case of the next person that I kiss... I think it's safe to say that the castle had nothing whatsoever to do with it. [cups Suzaku's face with his hand and leans in to kiss him]

[kisses back gently then laughs]

That's good to know at least!

[ooc: Wrap this here? :D]

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