02.

[juugosmash.livejournal.com]

It's strange. From the very first day I arrived, I could not help but notice I can't stop... thinking. As stupid as it sounds - because I know everyone is always thinking about something - this feels different. I seem to constantly have the need to say more and if I don't, it feels like my thoughts will break through despite my hesitation. Perhaps it's linked to my loss? Either way, I am glad I have a journal to write in. I'm not exactly speaking, but writing is better. I'd rather write, and it feels safer. No one can see the words on a page but they can hear me if I speak.

[a pause as he thinks of how to start and then his loss kicks in and he blabs everything]

I want to stay here. I see most people in this journal dream of returning home, to loved ones, to some sort of life goal, but I don't have any of those things. I don't have a true home. I don't have a family or Kimimaro any friends. I don't even have a purpose in life other than to fulfill Sasuke's own goals. Living in Paradisa is a bittersweet feeling but I am quickly beginning to appreciate it. I don't want to leave.

Sasuke is waiting for the right people to arrive, I know, but his efforts seem pointless in a place like this. Killing Konoha's elders is not my wish but his, and I must always remain loyal to him, but not for him. I stay by his side because he can help me and because Kimimaro told me of his great strength. Here, what is the point of being on his side? I don't have a true allegiance to anyone except by word alone.

My urges are almost nonexistent here, too. I don't need Sasuke's help as much as I do in our world. This place... is peaceful despite rumors I have heard of destructive events. I don't fall apart here and I like that. I feel secure and... normal. I don't feel dangerous. I can walk through the town's streets knowing I won't break at any given moment because the people are kind and gentle.

Joining Akatsuki was such a foolish move.

He's really an idiot, isn't he? Even I can see he's being used but it is not my place to say so. Sasuke would deny it anyway because he is stubborn. And I always begin to wonder, at home, if he does succeed and no longer requires Karin, Suigetsu, and myself... what happens to us? If we depart, where should I go? There, I would need him, as much as I hate it and as much as I wish I could control myself I would need his Sharingan. I could care less about what the other two idiots do with their lives but at the same time I worry for them as well and I don't know why.

This is why I want to stay here and need to. I cannot return to a life that gives me nothing.

...

My hand is hurting.