paradisalost

Current Mood: drunk

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Who: Sam Winchester and Ruby
What: Sam is drunk and mopey
When: Saturday night, late
Where: Their room.
Notes: Spoilers for the season of SPN so far.

Sam was pretty sure he was pretty drunk. The bottle of whiskey he'd asked the castle for was about halfway empty, and there was some warning bell in the back of his mind that was saying that he should probably stop, but he really didn't feel like stopping. Alcohol poisoning sounded like a pretty easy way to take himself out of the picture.

The hits just seemed to keep on coming. He couldn't win when it came to the world. No matter what he tried to do, how he tried to make things better, he always found himself being sucked back under again. He was starting to wonder why he even bothered. Why someone didn't just take him out already and finish the job, so right now, he was contemplating doing the job for them. Here, in the castle, might not be the best place to do it, given the fact that he'd just be back in two weeks anyway. So killing himself was pointless.

But not feeling anything? At least that he could do.

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She hadn't been avoiding him, but really it was still a bit odd to hear Crowley's voice coming out of Sam's body and work was an easy fix to her stressful issue. Then she was heading back and got sidetracked with the bar, and then with Castiel -- being weird.

The avoidance though when she mentioned Sam put a knot in her stomach. Things were Hell... literally on Earth and Cas said he hadn't seen him in a few years, it didn't exactly make it better. After a while she knew she had to check on Sam, make sure he was just Sam, and make sure he hadn't talked to Cas.

Entering the room though she wasn't bombarded with dogs, which was because they were all curled up at the foot of the bed. Not a good sign. Taking off her shoes, she left them near the door and made her way toward Sam. The smell of alcohol was in the air, and she wasn't sure if that meant he was alone or if he was trying to make one of them pass out.

"Sam?"

Sam's head rolled to the side at the sound of his name. He was sitting with his back against the headboard, and looked over towards the sound. He blinked at her blearily for a minute, before taking another swig from his bottle.

"Yeah?"

Pausing for a moment she waited for Crowley to pipe up, but the silence was reassuring. Pressing a knee to the mattress she moved to kneel on the bed beside him.

Tilting her head aside she exhaled, "I take it you talked to Cas, and I take it he actually told you something."

He really didn't know where to start. He really just wanted to sink into the bottle until he passed out, but if she was there, she was going to make him talk, so he might as well say something worth talking about.

"You remember that time, right after Dean died, where Lilith sent those demons to kill me and you saved me? You were wearing that secretary, and I told you to let her go?"

Edited 2009-10-04 01:43 (UTC)

There was confusion on her features, and she wasn't really sure where this was going at all. She hated talking about that part of the past, mostly because she knows before that point she actually could've turned a different path.

"Yeah... I remember."

He nodded slowly, before looking up at her with big eyes. "You should have just let them kill me."

It was the truth. If Sam was dead, the world would be a whole lot better off. There would be no Apocalypse, no Lucifer, no end of the world. The world would just keep on turning, and that would be the end of it. When people tried to protect Sam, they just wound up dead, so he had to keep wondering why they kept bothering.

"Hell, Dean should have just left me dead." He waved the bottle on his hand a little recklessly, but the liquid wasn't high enough to slosh out the top. "Or let Gordon kill me or ... something."

Her shoulders dropped, all the air pushed out of her in an instant, defeated, as she listened to Sam. Shifting on the bed a bit she pulled her legs beside her and brushed her hand to his hair, "Sam... you don't want me to tell you that you had to live. Don't make me defend keeping you alive."

"No matter what I do, people die, Ruby," he said as he slumped back against the headboard, looking at her carefully. "I hunt, and I can't save the people I care about. Dean sells his soul for me, and I can't help him get out of it. I try making due with what I have, and deal with this thing inside me that's evil and I know it, and I'm trying to do good with it, and I end the fucking world."

He looked over at her, his throat getting tight as he really tried not to lose it. "I don't do any good. I don't -- help. All I do is hurt. All I do is make things worse, so why should I even fucking bother?"

It was hurting her to see him like this, to know that the way he felt, the emotions he was going through were her fault. Things might've gone differently if she hadn't bought into Lilith's plan, if she hadn't opted to push for something better for herself than a good seat in Hell.

Moving slightly, she moved to straddle his lap, forcing him to look at her. The very worst that would happen, he'd push her off, toss her aside... it had always felt like something he'd have to do eventually and if it was going to be for what she turned him into then she'd at least make him look at her first.

Her hand brushed to his cheek, "Do you know how important you are? Not to the world, fuck the world, but to your brother? To yourself? To me? Do you know how much you've changed me Sam?"

He knew. He did. And that was probably the biggest reason why he didn't just shove her off him. He let his hands rest on her hips, but he didn't look at her right away. Just continued to look down as he tried to figure out how he wanted to ask the next question.

"Did you know? About me being his vessel?"

Ruby watched him, felt his hands rest on her hips, and tried to not move off of him when he asked her that question.

That question... was... unexpected.

"What?"

Sam swallowed before actually looking up at her, a bit more resolve in his face this time. He could guess by her response that she didn't, but he needed to be sure.

"Cas told me that Lucifer needs me for his vessel, and apparently, sometime in the future, I said yes." He paused and tried his best to keep his vision from doubling. "Did you know?"

Nearly hyperventilating wasn't easy to do, it actually required her making her body breathe too fast, and it wasn't as if she knew that she was doing it. Instead though she felt everything in her sort of shift, as if trying to eject the demon out of the girl just for a moment, just for that sake of being the cause she hated so much.

"Sam, I didn't know... if I had - if I had I would've put more distance between us. I wouldn't have let myself," Ruby bit back her own words, because she still didn't like acknowledging that the emotions she felt for him started beneath all the lies.

Her hand settled beneath his chin, tipping his gaze up to hers, "I didn't know Sam."

Sam closed his eyes and slumped back against the bed. He'd already put her using him behind her, but he believed her when she said she didn't know about this.

"The world sucks, and it's all my fault. According to Cas, after I let Lucifer out, Dean and I split up and we hadn't spoken since." His voice got quiet again. "Cas said he's torturing again. And me? I said yes to the Devil, and he's walking around, wearing me and doing God knows what and I don't know why."

As he moved away from her, leaning against the headboard, she stayed perched on his lap for a moment. Listening to him, and trying to understand why Sam wasn't given some sort of reprieve, why Dean wasn't -- well who knew what Dean was going to do. In fact other than knowing she was dead, she wasn't sure what was going on.

Moving forward, Ruby leaned against Sam's chest, listening to his heart for a moment before speaking, "It's my fault. I pushed you down the path and Dean was never going to actually accept it, no matter how much good you did. I pushed and it drove the two of you apart."

Sam slid his arms around her, pulling her closer and just letting himself relax under her. If he were sober, he wouldn't let her stay close, but the alcohol in his system dictated otherwise, wanting to keep her closer. He didn't have her back home, and he needed her this close here.

"But I let you push. I should have stopped when Dean said, but I was stubborn enough to keep going. I thought I was doing the right thing."

It was welling up in the back of her throat, and making it hard to swallow, but she was so grateful that he wasn't pushing her away, that when he drank it wasn't to let his temper slip, or his anger out. Instead he pulled inward, and she was just feeling lucky to be pulled on.

"I'm sorry Sam, I'm so sorry, I don't want you to go back," her hand reached up toward his neck, fingers lightly curling against his skin. "Can I just keep you here?"

He started to move slowly, shifting so that he was more lying down and curling in to her. "Does it make me sound like a coward if I say I don't want to go?"

Sliding with him as he moved, she shook her head, "You're not a coward Sam." Holding her breath she tried not to let her own fear and weakness show, but it was Sam, and after everything she couldn't help but let that guilt push through her.

Meeting his gaze she felt her tears sting for a moment, before her hand brushed them away. Her chin trembled for a moment, "If you go back, you might come back and not want me around, and I'm selfish, but I don't want to lose you."

One hand came up and brushed against her face, before leaning in to kiss her gently. "No matter what happens back home, so long as it's me that comes back, I'm always gonna need you, Ruby."

He couldn't promise anything for Lucifer, but if things got as bad between him and Dean as Castiel was implying, then he needed to know that if he was coming back here, he wasn't alone. "I'm just worried that one day you're not going to be here."

Her fingers slipped into his hair when he brushed a kiss to her mouth, and when he pulled away she exhaled, trying not to make some comment about him drinking. Shutting her eyes she pulled in closer to him, taking deep breaths, pulling in the warmth that his body gave off.

As she pulled in she pressed her mouth to his neck, just keeping close, just wanting that contact of skin to skin without much more than just that. Pulling away slightly she knew she couldn't make promises, couldn't tell him that she'd never leave.

"As long as I'm here I'm going to love you Sam, and even if you go back, even if you're still you -- if you come back I'll always give you the choice. I don't want to be a reminder, I don't want you to look at me and see what I did to you."

"I don't," he said softly, his hand sliding over her shoulder and down so that he was rubbing her back lightly. "I just see you."

She shook her head at him, because in truth she knew that wasn't really true.

"You see her," Ruby's chin trembled again, her eyes tearing up a bit, "I picked her, because you had a type Sam."

He frowned at that, before pushing back. "What's that supposed to mean? That I'm with you just because you're in a blond body?"

Shrugging she didn't even know why she said it, but she knew it was true. He couldn't actually see her, that version of herself died way before he was even born. Years in the pit, decades paying for one small pledge to a demon for something better.

Now all that was left was a plume of blackness, and a body that had nice legs.

"I didn't mean it like that, I just, I know I'm a demon. I know that I could look like anyone... so seeing me, means something very different to me."

Sam sighed slightly, before looking back at her again. "I see you. I see the girl who's saved my life, and tried to protect me, and has been here through a lot of the hard stuff. That's what I care about Ruby. Not what you are, or who you're wearing. I see that too, but -- that's not as important."

Taking a deep breath Ruby nodded, she felt relief as she shut her eyes briefly. Her chest still felt tight, and there were still tears that clung to her lashes as she shifted away from him enough to unfasten her jeans and shove them to the foot of the bed. She heard the dogs shift as they dropped atop them, but she just curled in closer to Sam.

He felt warm, and there was always something about him when he had been drinking, that extra bit of closeness that he seemed to want. Pressing close to Sam, Ruby kissed him gently before pulling back again, "You know I don't see what you think you're going to be, or what they wanted you to be. I see a hunter that gets in over his head, who would do anything to save a life instead of lose one, and who would put his brother first if it came to that. I meant it when I said you're not a coward."

Ruby smirked at him, "I'm too awesome to stick with a coward."

He snorted slightly at that, shifting so that they could pull the covers over each other and just cuddled in closer to her. He liked the proximity when he was drunk, and she was more than willing to give it to him. He pressed a kiss to her forehead before closing his eyes.

"Thank you, Ruby."

Her hand threaded into his hair, letting her hand rest there at the back of his head as she clung a bit to him, "Anytime Sam."

His body relaxed against her, giving in to the alcohol in his system and just letting himself drift off to sleep.

She waited while he fell asleep, teasing her fingers into his hair while he did, until his steady breathing lulled her into sleep as well. Content to be at his side, happy to be with him.

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