paradisalost

[Spike never saw the appeal of writing things down. "Dear Journal, today is month... whatever. Still around." It's depressing, no matter how you phrase it or dress it up like real life. Reading isn't any better; if anything, Spike's relentless searching through pages for an epiphany only led him in circles, still empty handed and even more frustrated for trying. He doesn't like to acknowledge that the lack of information is at least partially his fault, with his whole damn attitude about leaving a trail behind him. Why point fingers at the obvious?

Getting away from the castle didn't help the situation. There's no pretending now that he left to protect the people he knew from someone who preferred him dead (and who is probably living it up right now, after how it went the last time he offered), but it did keep Spike from wanting to blow up half of it. It was only eventually that he realized he wasn't going anywhere. Even with the distractions they generously threw at him -- children, vampires, explosions -- they didn't last long enough to keep him busy. (Typical, really.)

So he's sitting at the Lux, after hours, when nobody is there but the ghosts mimicking a staff. At the moment, Spike can't think of a more fitting company. He must forget how he just discredited the castle's whole communication system, because he starts talking to a journal not long after his first drink. And for once, he doesn't care who's listening.]

I've been meaning to ask... [He signals for a ghost-bartender as he dictates, playing along with the whole thing.]

If someone came up to you with the answers to all your questions, where you are and why you're here, would you really want to hear them? Or would you run out of reasons to keep going? [...that was slightly more personal than he wanted it to come out, so he adds,] Then again, I guess that only matters if you'd accept what they had to say. Most of you are probably smarter than that.

(Faye)

[It took him a while, but there's one other thing that's been on his mind. Spike made a mistake that could have gotten her killed... and sure he feels some complicated form of guilt, but that's not the reason for the filter. The plan had been to leave her alone, let her get some distance to somewhere she wouldn't get tangled in his mess. But plans change.]

Are you coming back, or what?

(Kaylee, Jet, Edward, Cain, Ashura, Brock, John, Teresa, Maya, Zoe)

[It's an afterthought, but an overdue one. He jots down every name he can think of that could be traced back to him who he hasn't seen in the past 24 hours. Since he's not (always) a complete jackass, he figures it's time he checked up on them to see if they aren't murdered... or otherwise having fun without him.]

Hey.

ooc: Totally open! Forward-dated to late tonight. (I missed you guys. ;;) ETA: Assume this is after Azi's spell on the castle wears off. :)

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I'm not stupid enough to hope for that.

[Just bite your tongue, Spiegel. Simmer.]

I don't know. Your judgment seems to be a little out of whack.

...Are you trying to be a hypocrite, now?

[So restrained.]

Maybe that makes it easier for me to spot.

[hearing that restraint in his voice just makes it harder for her to bite back her own anger. How dare he be mad at her for anything]

...If you've got something on your mind, Spike, spit it out.

[Always trying to make the ex-gangster the bad guy. :| Spike does sound pretty annoyed though, like she has the nerve to think she was the only one kept in the dark.]

I had a talk with Crowley.

[she doesn't know what she'd been expecting, but that isn't it. She doesn't quite know where this is leading, but she's sure she doesn't like it]

...And?

[It's kind of surprising he didn't find out sooner, but assuming and hearing it are entirely different things.]

How long has that been going on?

How long has--

[...wait.

Not having been expecting him to go and turn the conversation there, it takes her a second to really follow.

When she does realize, she balks and her hackles raise, immediately and inexplicably defensive. Without a plan of action in her head, denial is the first thing that jumps out of her mouth]

What do you mean?

What do you think? [Despite the words, his tone falls flat. He really doesn't want to have to say it.]

I think it sounds like you're sticking your nose somewhere it doesn't belong.

[What was that about being a hypocrite?]

You're right. It's none of my business. [But.] I just don't want to be around the next time he starts rounding up sacrifices with his demon buddies for his new bride. -- This isn't like dealing with Vicious, Faye.

...

[she is just completely speechless for a minute. When she does finally manage to find her voice again, it is low and absolutely tense with fury.

You touched a couple different nerves there, Spike]

...You have no idea what you're talking about.

[Okay, maybe he let out his anger too quickly there, but it's a hard subject not to get angry about. He shouldn't even need to have this conversation, but apparently nobody else is going to do it. At least not before it got this bad.]

You forget that I've been around for a while. I know enough.

No, you're an idiot!

[it's the most eloquent thing she can spit out right then. It takes her a moment to come up with anything more than that]

And don't you dare start acting like you suddenly give a shit about anything now!

[He might be an idiot, but he's not evil.]

Why do you think I'd bring it up? I don't enjoy arguing with you that much.

I don't know, Spike. Why are you bringing it up?

[sorry, she's really sold on this idea that you don't care about anything, Spike]

Totally selfish reasons, I'm sure. These things tend to become my problems eventually anyway.

[Well fine.]

That sounds about right.

... [Spike doesn't see this getting through to her until the world goes to hell (again). Should have put Jet up to it instead, but at least he made an effort.]

You know what they say, nobody's perfect.

[anger spiking again for no real definable reason, other than the fact that it's there and boiling erratically over the edge]

What the hell do you want?

Just stay out of my way, I'll stay out of yours, and everyone will be happy!

[That's a laugh. Despite mounting evidence, Spike refuses to think he's the cause of everything bad that happens to her. The rest was just starting.]

If you want me to be the bad guy, that's fine with me. It's not like there's anyone else around that fits the part.

[the person in front of her is always subject to an extra helping of blame for whatever's going on in her life, and apparently over the journal counts just as much]

You have a convincing argument for the contrary?

[For christ's... He didn't tie her up to use her as bait, he's not working for the devil, why wouldn't he be the first choice?]

Nothing comes to mind.

[you're not helping yourself, Spike. She's too mad to play. Or think clearly, for that matter]

Then why are you bothering?

What do you want? [--because it's gotta be something]

Faye

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