82.0

[encryptedlock]

Now, as we all know, the castle gives you things if you wish for them. Like a can of beer [poof!] or a pad of paper [poof!] or a new shirt [poof!] God that's an ugly color. Anyway, when someone's telling you about this place the first time, they might say it gives you anything.

But is that really true?

That's what we're here to test today. I'm Freelancer York and this is my assistant, Delta.

Hello!

So, does the castle really give you everything you wish for? Let's start off with the basics.

First, you gotta be specific. Let's say I want a pair of boots. Castle! I wish for something to wear on my feet. [Silence.] See, not specific enough. Give me boots! [Thunk, thunk.] Now, for those of you in the audience, these are--Christ--these are knee-high stiletto-heeled leather women's boots. Not something I would wear. Real useful, castle. Now give me a pair of UNSC military-regulation combat boots in my size. [Thunk, thunk.] Much better. See how we did that? Let's test it out with some other common items.

Castle, give me...three lightbulbs. [Clink, clink, clink.] Now it gave me an incandescent, a compact fluorescent, and a blacklight. If you're trying to replace a lightbulb, you wanna get the right one. Now, how about a bow? [Poof!] No, not a ribbon for a present. A bow. [Poof!] No, not a goddamn bow tie! Do I look like a bow tie guy? A bow! [Thunk!] There. Something I can use for archery - which brings me to my next demonstration.

So, I bet a lot of you more violent types have noticed a trend. What happens when you ask for weapons? Not a whole damn lot. For example. Castle, give me a nuclear warhead. [Siiiilence.] A pistol. A grenade. A rocket launcher. [Each of these it met with silence.] What'd it give me out of that list? Nothing. You can't ask for shit that's inherently destructive or that you want to use on other people. So if you're in a bad mood and you want to blow someone's head off, tough shit. Find another way.

The kicker here is that there is another way. If I were to ask for some arrows for this nice bow here, you'd think I can't get 'em. Right? Wrong! As long as I fully intend only to use them for target practice....[poof!] Or what if I ask for some shafts - can't hurt anybody with a shaft. [Poof!] Well, I mean, you could, but it wouldn't work very good. So now I got some shafts...how about some arrowheads? Arrowheads aren't harmful on their own, not unless you're stupid enough to poke your eye out. [Poof.] So now here I got arrowheads and shafts - doesn't take a genius to figure out the next step, kids.

So what are some other things it won't give you? Well, this place seems like it's stuck in the early twenty-first century. So if you ask for a Slipspace drive or teleporter key or even a datapad console? Shit outta luck. Keep your tech simple here. Xbox 360? [Poof!] Good enough.

Here's something most of you probably don't know. You can rearrange your entire room by wishing for it. Try it out. Ask for a circular room instead of a square one. Ask for your own lounge and you'll get it. Hell, I got a kitchenette in my room 'cause I don't trust most of you around the microwave. And making your own food just tastes better. Unless you're a really bad cook.

Oh yeah, another thing? Don't ask for pets. There are a lot of pets already who got left behind when people went home. And if you really want a newborn kitten, that's what the pet shops in town are for! Nobody wants to find a starving puppy, okay? And if you want to help out with the pets that got left behind, go to the Fairyland Animal Center. You can find some really kickass pets from weird worlds there, like dinosaurs and those little monster things. Plus you're supporting the local economy. You know how food's more satisfying when you make it yourself? So's picking out the right kitty or whatever.

And don't even think about asking for a car. If you're lucky, you might get one for your birthday. Maybe. But just asking for something big like that? Forget it. Watch. Hey, castle! Give me a Porsche! Yeah, nothing.

[He claps his gloved hands together.] Now, that about sums it up for today's experiment. I hope you've learned more about the castle around you and, maybe, a little more about yourself. Any questions?

Comments

[encryptedlock]

[He was wondering if anyone would catch that.]

Better than fighting zombies with our bare hands. This place likes to throw unfriendly shit at us, in case you haven't noticed.

Well, okay, no, I haven't met any starving puppies. But there could be! It's better if you take responsibility for your pets!

And I don't know where wished food comes from. I don't trust it. So if I can make it for myself, it really does taste better.

[shotapope]

[For an easily frightened stuttering boy, he was rather observant.]

But... th-there are also d-dangerous people who c-could be more dangerous if g-given such an i-incentive....

I... I would take in a p-puppy if it was a-abandoned....

I just a-asked the ghosts to make it.... It s-seems the same as when s-servants at home m-made food. Though, I can a-ask for things others have t-talked about and p-probably couldn't get at home.

[encryptedlock]

That's true? But if they're smart enough to be able to make a gun out of parts, they're probably smart enough to figure out how to cause trouble without weapons, too. And there are just as many dangerous people with innate powers, you know. I feel a little bit better going around armed because it means someone's a little less likely to--toss a fireball at me without warning.

[His voice softens a little.] Maybe you should go visit the daycare. See if there's any pets there you want to get to know better?

Also, you can totally ask for some spending money and go to the restaurants in town if you want to check out new food. Sometimes you get a better idea looking at a menu than just thinking of what you want off the top of your head.

[shotapope]

I s-suppose.... Though, there are a-always people who would never have th-thought to try to put them together at f-first... but would be able to later....

[That sounded like so much fun, but... he would have to ask first.] I'll ask S-Sister when she's b-better if I can go and do that.

There are r-restaurants in town?

[encryptedlock]

True. But if anyone starts shit, I'll help take care of it. Some time in lockdown might give them second thoughts.

You should! It's in town, too, so you can look for a cafe to eat lunch and make it a day or something. Good to get out of the castle once in a while.

[shotapope]

I wonder if F-Father Tress has thought to d-do something like this yet....

Th-that's a wonderful idea! I'll ask S-Sister when she's w-well again to go with me.

[encryptedlock]

...Actually, I made some silver anti-vampire gun for him. [What, he trusts robots with guns okay.]

Hope she gets better soon.

[shotapope]

S-so he did replace his w-weapons.

I-if not... m-maybe she won't mind g-going out the way she is n-now.... Though, I don't r-really know what to do with a G-Greek Goddess....

[encryptedlock]

He seems like a pretty good guy. I didn't mind doing it for him.

...Your sister's a Greek goddess? Is she on some kinda loss or something? [Cause he was pretty sure Tres was Christian.]

[shotapope]

He's.... he a-always looks after S-Sister, and is v-very loyal.

I was t-told she thinks she's P-Persephone at the m-moment....

[encryptedlock]

Oh yeah? Your sister wouldn't happen to be Duchess Caterina?

...Persephone. [lol he served on a ship named that once] That was...which one was that, D?

[Have a slightly echoing, mechanical voice.]

Persephone. The bride of Hades and daughter of Demeter. Persephone was associated in Greek mythology with the changing of seasons. When she visited her husband in the underworld, it brought about winter. A return to the Earth signified spring.

[shotapope]

Y-yes that's her! I'm A-Alessandro.

It b-became winter because D-Demeter was so upset when she would l-leave that the w-world would go into m-morning. S-spring would come when D-Demeter would see her d-daughter again. This is why P-Persephone is considered the g-goddess of spring in those s-stories.

[encryptedlock]

Hey, any friend of Tres is a friend of ours. He's pretty badass.

...Huh. Did you sister really like that myth or anything? Usually there's a reason it makes us do weird losses.

[shotapope]

I'm n-not sure.... I could ask her a-after it ends.

[encryptedlock]

Might be a good idea, yeah. Course, sometimes losses are completely random. I have no idea why it turned me into a panda.

[shotapope]

You t-turned into a panda?

[encryptedlock]

Yep.

At least it was relaxing. Got sick of bamboo after a while though.

[shotapope]

H-has anything else happened to you b-before?

[encryptedlock]

Let's see...I was turned into a chick, turned into an AI, then the panda thing. Oh yeah, and, I, uh kinda died once.

[shotapope]

You d-died? That must have b-been awful.... All those th-things.

[encryptedlock]

I'm back now. That's the important part.

Everything else, you just kinda got to have the right attitude about it, you know?

[shotapope]

I guess.... I d-don't think I could d-deal with it well m-myself though.

[encryptedlock]

Sure you could! So what if you get turned into a panda? You know what happens to anyone who makes fun of you? They get turned into something worse. This place believes in karma.

[shotapope]

But w-wouldn't it be w-weird to try and l-live as a panda?

[encryptedlock]

Nah. Instincts were part of the package. I just kinda...already knew how to walk on four legs and everything.