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paradisalost2011-08-22 10:01 pm
hard-talker.livejournal.com) wrote in paradisalost2011-08-22 10:01 pm
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94.5 - on the edge of seventeen
[Ten PM, on the nose, the familiar strains of Leonard Cohen singing about what Everybody Knows start up, and then the record scratches to a screeching halt, replaced by a slightly out-of-tune teenager:]
Haaaaappy birthday to me, your pal Hard Har-ry, and in honor of the oc-caaaaa-sionnnnn, let's see how rude I can beeeee!
[he then proceeds to belch into the journal. LOUDLY. followed by a mischevious chuckle] Yes, that's right, folks, this is the day my dear sweet mother popped my sorry ass out into the world, covered in filth, and I've tried to stay that way ever since. You can direct your birthday wishes straight over the journal, but I take cards and presents, too, it's all good. And cake. Please, let's not forget the cake. Even if you take a couple'a Hostess snowballs, stick 'em on a plate with a Twinkie in the middle, I don't care. I am in a partyin' kinda mood, this evenin'.
[he puts on the Beastie Boys for emphasis. sure, he's played it previously, but it's a classic]
Sooooooooo, this past week, seems like everyone's slipping back into their usual routines. We've only got a couple new kids - Julia and Odd, so let's give them a hand, huh? Those of you who can understand English? You're in for a ride this week, because you, AND ONLY YOU! - get the benefit of an old-fashioned Happy Harry Hard-on broadcast. I'm pulling out all the stops --!
[he pushes a button on his tape deck. fart noises.]
I'm hitting all the sore spots!
[Arlo Guthrie's voice: "Mother rapers! Father stabbers! FATHER RAPERS!"]
I'M GOING AB-SO-FUCKING-LUTELY OFF THE GODDAMNED HANDLE TONIGHT --
[George Carlin: "Shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits!"]
-- JUST BECAUSE I CAN! I might even wander downstairs and see how far I can go with my own latest personal goal: filling the swimming pool up with my own jizz. Okay, maybe not really, because I don't want to end up in the clinic for dehydration and not have any left for whatever cute nurse comes to slap the Gatorade IV in my arm, but hey - it's a nice, picturesque thought, isn't it? The kind of thought you have, not because it's good, or right, or makes sense, or because you'd actually do anything about it - you just have the thought because you CAN. Because you've got a mind that's pretty much capable of JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.
Think about that. I mean, REALLY think about it. It doesn't matter what language you think about it in, just ... THINK about it. You can come up with anything, ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, you can dream up cars that run on sunflower seed shells and unicorn farts and go five million miles an hour, backwards, underwater, up walls.
And how many of you are actually thinking up the craziest, most amazing, uniquely YOU things you can? Be honest with me, here, remember, that's the name of the game: Harry can smell a lie like a fart in a car ...
Okay, good. Now, even more honest, now, kids.
How many of you are just sitting around going "eh, castle's being stupid again, I give it a week before I can keep complaining to my friend who doesn't speak Language X about how stupid the castle's being"?
.... That's what I thought.
COME ON! GET UP! THINK! JUMP-START YOUR BRAINS! Give me ONE original thought, one thing that you know NO ONE but you could ever cook up! And I honestly don't care what it is, as long as it's YOURS.
That's what I want for my birthday. I want you all to be yourselves, for five whole seconds, and pull your heads out of this castle's collective rectum.
Lemme have it! LET'S GO!
Haaaaappy birthday to me, your pal Hard Har-ry, and in honor of the oc-caaaaa-sionnnnn, let's see how rude I can beeeee!
[he then proceeds to belch into the journal. LOUDLY. followed by a mischevious chuckle] Yes, that's right, folks, this is the day my dear sweet mother popped my sorry ass out into the world, covered in filth, and I've tried to stay that way ever since. You can direct your birthday wishes straight over the journal, but I take cards and presents, too, it's all good. And cake. Please, let's not forget the cake. Even if you take a couple'a Hostess snowballs, stick 'em on a plate with a Twinkie in the middle, I don't care. I am in a partyin' kinda mood, this evenin'.
[he puts on the Beastie Boys for emphasis. sure, he's played it previously, but it's a classic]
Sooooooooo, this past week, seems like everyone's slipping back into their usual routines. We've only got a couple new kids - Julia and Odd, so let's give them a hand, huh? Those of you who can understand English? You're in for a ride this week, because you, AND ONLY YOU! - get the benefit of an old-fashioned Happy Harry Hard-on broadcast. I'm pulling out all the stops --!
[he pushes a button on his tape deck. fart noises.]
I'm hitting all the sore spots!
[Arlo Guthrie's voice: "Mother rapers! Father stabbers! FATHER RAPERS!"]
I'M GOING AB-SO-FUCKING-LUTELY OFF THE GODDAMNED HANDLE TONIGHT --
[George Carlin: "Shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits!"]
-- JUST BECAUSE I CAN! I might even wander downstairs and see how far I can go with my own latest personal goal: filling the swimming pool up with my own jizz. Okay, maybe not really, because I don't want to end up in the clinic for dehydration and not have any left for whatever cute nurse comes to slap the Gatorade IV in my arm, but hey - it's a nice, picturesque thought, isn't it? The kind of thought you have, not because it's good, or right, or makes sense, or because you'd actually do anything about it - you just have the thought because you CAN. Because you've got a mind that's pretty much capable of JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.
Think about that. I mean, REALLY think about it. It doesn't matter what language you think about it in, just ... THINK about it. You can come up with anything, ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, you can dream up cars that run on sunflower seed shells and unicorn farts and go five million miles an hour, backwards, underwater, up walls.
And how many of you are actually thinking up the craziest, most amazing, uniquely YOU things you can? Be honest with me, here, remember, that's the name of the game: Harry can smell a lie like a fart in a car ...
Okay, good. Now, even more honest, now, kids.
How many of you are just sitting around going "eh, castle's being stupid again, I give it a week before I can keep complaining to my friend who doesn't speak Language X about how stupid the castle's being"?
.... That's what I thought.
COME ON! GET UP! THINK! JUMP-START YOUR BRAINS! Give me ONE original thought, one thing that you know NO ONE but you could ever cook up! And I honestly don't care what it is, as long as it's YOURS.
That's what I want for my birthday. I want you all to be yourselves, for five whole seconds, and pull your heads out of this castle's collective rectum.
Lemme have it! LET'S GO!